Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
The Happy Side of Misery is an 80,000-word roman a clef. Honestly, I'm a pretty smart person and I know the phrase roman a clef, but had never known what it actually was. I had to Google it. I'm not saying everyone else will, but simplicity is important in a query A cautionary tale, the Happy Side is a dark comedy showcasing the lighter side of mental health, spiritual bankruptcy, personal failure, and the pitfalls of success.
Kevin Ferrell, a wealthy entrepreneur and male model, thinks he’s invincible. But after colliding head-on with a little blue pill, he discovers that having wealth and losing it is far worse than never having had it at all. What does this mean? Is this an addiction issue? as soon as you say little blue pill I think Viagra, so if that's not the case, use a different phrase. If it is the case, you definitely need to clarify how Viagra specificlaly would make him lose his wealth, and (if not Viagra) how any other pill would do the same
The story weaves in and out of reality as the MC—a former psych nurse—attempts to reconcile with nineteen (and counting) psychiatric diagnoses. To him, the list is laughable. And despite the efforts of a psychiatrist, psychologist, and hypnotherapist, Kevin believes the only cure is regaining wealth. What does weaves in and out of reality mean? An unrelaible narrator? Escapes of fancy? Fight Club? I don't know what it means for this story.
The story explores the challenges of a man born poor, struggling to become rich, then forfeiting everything to his inner demons—a man whose only weapon against fate is a sense of humor. So I invite you to come along as the MC—the protagonist and antagonist of his own story—recounts the happy times from his past that led to the miserable times of his present. Again, there's no real indication of the plot here. Why would the pill make him lose his wealth? That needs to be cleared up, but also, a query needs to do convey what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, and how they'll overcome those obstacles. That's the plot. Right now that's not here in this query. Also, if you're pushing this as humorous, the query is going to need more voice that illustrates that.
Appeals to fans of The Wolf of Wall Street and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I am a health and wellness pioneer living in the Tampa Bay area. I work as a freelance editor, writer, and television/film producer. I belong to numerous local book clubs and frequently lecture on what not to do in life. If you have any pub or television credits, you should include those here. Being a member of book clubs isn't necessarily something that will make an agent perk up. For the most part, writers are also assumed to be readers.