The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my debut adult fantasy novel, The Journeymen, a 102,000-word story that blends humor and philosophy through the adventures of three compelling characters. You don't need to state that it's your debut; they will assume that. I also wouldn't self-describe your characters as compelling. Of course you think they're compelling - you wrote them.

Set in a world where the era of gods, monsters, and proverbial energies is losing its grasp on the world echo (same word used closely together) with "world", like an ice age, the old era gives way, moving away from the equator toward the poles. I'm really not sure what this is saying. Is this all figurative language, or is something actually moving? Even if it's figurative, it's quite murky and is mostly just going to leave the reader trying to untangle what's being said, when what you want is an enticing hook, not a head-scratcher. Leaving behind sentient races So everyone that's still around isn't sentient? and lingering magic, here in the north, the old breath of the paranormal and the impossible still holds some grasp over these lands. Here on the frontier of the still partially settled north, life thrives on the border between the mundane and the mystical. Dangerous artifacts, reality-bending spells, and unfinished afterlives shape a landscape where power is coveted and the supernatural is never far away. This entire paragraph is mostly just confusing and isn't directly informing the reader of anything. It's also all setting, which isn't a great thing to focus on if you want to hook an agent's attention.

At its heart is an escaped slave striving to navigate the complexities of freedom. Haunted by his past and uncertain of his future, he embarks on a journey to find—or perhaps create—a place he can truly call home. His story anchors the novel’s emotional core, exploring themes of identity, belonging, and resilience. Does he have a name?

Alongside him is Laurent, a roguish goblin whose restless travels mask a deeper quest: to break a curse that keeps him apart from his beloved fiancé. His charm and cunning bring levity and intrigue, enriching the narrative with a sense of wanderlust and longing.

The third protagonist, Bel-shar-usur (Bel), is a young mage fleeing the violent legacy of his powerful war-mage father. His journey is one of self-discovery, as he seeks to define his own path and wrest control of his fate from the shadows of expectation.

But I don't know what is drawing these three together. It sounds like some sort of shared journey, but I don't know where they are going, why they are going there, or what brought the three of them together.

Each character brings strengths and perspectives the others lack, creating a dynamic where they rely on one another to fulfill their personal arcs. Their intertwined journeys forge bonds of friendship, kinship, and romance, making their collective story one of connection and mutual growth. Without one another, none could fully realize their destinies. This again feels like a paragraph where you're telling the agent what you think the story is delivering. It's an assumed in a novel with an ensemble cast that they complement and contradict each other in different ways. So in essence this paragraph is just you stating that you did something that is kind of expected anyway.

The Journeymen is a tale of scoundrels and misfits, filled with sharp wit, occasional coarse language, and moments of genuine insight. It will resonate with readers who appreciate stories that balance lighthearted adventure with meaningful depth—fans of Adventure Time, Patricia Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Kevin Hearne’s Iron Druid Chronicles, Diana Wynne Jones and, to a lesser extent, Terry Pratchett’s work. Right now this entire query is very vague and isn't telling us anything about the plot. A query needs to establish these things -- what does the main character(s) want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What are they willing to do to overcome those obstacles? And what is at stake if they don't? None of that is currently here in this query.

My name is Eugene Myznikov, and I’m a writer passionate about creating immersive fantasy worlds and characters. As an autistic person, storytelling is my special interest, and I bring a unique perspective and attention to detail to my work. Inspired by nature, cooking, and a love for fantasy sparked by the Witcher series, I strive to craft stories that blend adventure, magic, and authentic emotion. Good bio, but you need to work on getting the plot into this query, rather than taking up a lot of time with setting and then explaining the themes of the story.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’d like to share my first novel, PEPPERMINT LEAVES (88,000 words, contemporary fiction), with you. PEPPERMINT LEAVES would appeal to readers of Oisín McKenna’s EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS and Dolly Alderton’s GHOSTS for its compact portrayal of people who are just trying to work out their own story. This is a little bit vague in both the genre and the description. "Contemporary fiction" on its own is fine but "just trying to work out their own story" isn't compelling and doesn't really make me as a reader want to keep going.

MERIEM and CASI only captialize character names in synopsis, not in a query are similar in many ways: they’re in their mid-twenties, living in London, trying to fit into lives they haven’t chosen. Again, super vague. It's not distinct or interesting She is undocumented—well, mis-documented—and he is drowning in ambition. When Casi is unexpectedly made redundant from his high-flying corporate events role, one small lie to his alcoholic brother and an inkling of an ambition shared with his competitive ex-colleagues set him on a path to finding Meriem.I have no idea what any of this means. What lie? What ambition? How do any of these things come together to put them on paths that will intersect? Desperate to prove himself, he unwittingly begins to pick at Meriem’s tightly-woven world, ultimately forcing them both to face who they really are. This entire paragraph is about Casi. I know practically nothing about Meriem and I have no idea what their colliding with each other means. Are they going to fall in love? Ruin each other? Save each other? Eat each other's pets? What do you mean when you say her world is tightly-woven? I really have no idea what the plot is here. A query needs to answer these questions - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What are the obstacles they have to overcome to achieve their goal? What is at stake if they don't? Right now I don't know the answers to any of these questions based on this query.

I work in a youth charity where I am responsible for strategy and planning, and I parent a van-obsessed two-year-old. All of my writing happens in those little breathing spaces between full time work and parenting, sometimes at the kitchen table, sometimes on the floor outside the toddler’s bedroom, waiting for him to fall asleep. Not having any publishing credits is fine, but I would only include elements of your personal life in your bio that relate to the story, thus showing that you have life experience that makes you a credible author of this story. Right now none of this does that work.

I am now working on my second novel, which is also standalone, and follows Anna, a young woman whose neatly-packaged life unravels when her ‘friends’ discover she’s been passing off the stories of the elderly care home residents she looks after as her own. Definitely don't talk about the next thing you're writing. They need to be interested in what you've already written before they care at all about anything else. This is information for when you get to a phone call.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

IT SHOULD’VE BEEN YOU is an 88,000-word standalone women’s fiction novel that will appeal to fans of the star-crossed lovers trope in What You Wish For by Katherine Center and the trauma-driven, dual-timeline structure of The Forgotten Hours by Katrin Schumann. Good start, it sounds like you've got the formula for an opening paragraph down.

Twenty-five-year-old Aurora Ridgefield is perfectly content checking off the boxes of a well-planned life: a teaching career, an apartment, her devoted boyfriend, Sage. But she also knows she’s no longer the wild, open-hearted teen she used to be—not like she was with Gale, the boy who saw her in a way no one else ever had. When she unearths an old journal, she’s forced to confront a truth she’s long tried to forget: she never really got over him. Great beginning here!

At fifteen, their connection is immediate, electric. But before it can become something more, Gale’s parents ship him off to a remote boarding school. Unable to process the sudden loss, Aurora’s free spirit hardens into control. Little bit more here on why? Why is this the reaction? It almost seems like a wild person make spin out of control instead.

Over the years, fate keeps reuniting them—but each time, Gale returns more withdrawn. Finally, he confesses what he’s carried for years: the school didn’t just take him away—it broke him. Loving her only reminds him of everything he’s lost, of the trauma he endured—so she lets him go. The way this para is written it feels like the "over the years" statement spans the time all the way up to the present, and their adulthood, which the next paragraph seems to contradict

A decade later, Aurora has everything she thought she wanted: a marriage to Sage, a child after years of infertility, a comfortable life. But the journal leads her to a crossroads—continue the life she’s carefully built, or give her love with Gale the chance it never had.

When she agrees to meet Gale one last time, her decision becomes clear: she tells him she has always loved him, even when he couldn’t love himself; but their story is in the past ---and she is choosing her present. This is more like a synopsis at this point, you're giving away the end. The query needs to be more hook-y, and make the reader / agent want to know what happens. You need to cut this off at her making the choice, or being stuck at the crossroads, rather than come across with the whole ending.

By day, I’m a high school English teacher and New Jersey Romance Writers member, living in New Jersey. I hold degrees in journalism, English, and secondary education. This is my debut fiction novel. Great bio, you don't need to mention that it's your debut, with no pub credits it's an assumed.