The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my novel, WRONG TURN, an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Tracy Higley’s, Nightfall in the Garden of Deep Time, Emma Törzs’, Ink Blood Sister Scribe, and Matt Haig’s, The Midnight Library. This book is a standalone novel with series potential. Good start. You've identified your genre and comp titles, and know that pitching a series is hard, so you're showing that you've done your homework.

After Billie Haywood gets fired and drinks Should "away" be in here? That's how I've always heard this phraused used her sorrows at a local bar, she wakes up with the worst hangover of her life and magical powers she can’t control. Already lost, unhappy, and old enough for people to question why she’s unmarried and childless, she moves back in with her parents. She’s desperate for a new plan, starting with controlling the magic randomly spouting from her fingertips in a smoky fog. We need to know what this magic is. Can she turn dogs into humans? Cars into horses? Bills into checks?

When a mysterious note tells her to apply, Billie magically, and illegally, forges a degree to secure a job as a boarding school librarian, This needs to be rephrased, becuase I had no clue what she was applying for and went back up to the first para to see if I'd missed something. the perfect place to learn about her power and begin a life she’s excited to live. Why is it the perfect place to learn about her power? The school has a different idea as its magic So the school is magic? Like a Harry Potter situation, or is it more of a hidden thing? leads her to a fake prophecy that places a target on her back and triggers startling deja vu. This is vague. Why would it place a target on her back? Billie remembers an entirely different life, including her new boss as a cranky past lover, a rare healing power, This doesn't really mean much to the reader b/c we don't know what her current power is and her hellish hangover being caused by her actual death and revival by a mythical medical serpent.

After delusional attempts pretending nothing has changed, Awkward phrasing here Billie meets the evil leader, Evil leader of what? who charms her with helpful advice on mastering healing and regaining her memories. Does she want to regain her memories? Is that the goal? The relationship draws a blurry line between what and what? and despite wanting a quiet librarian life of learning, she’s thrust into an ongoing battle between good and evil. If she can’t figure out how to stay out of it, Billie has two options: get forced into healing like a tool on a shelf, or get killed, again.

Right now this is hard to follow. We don't know what her magic is, so that's not helping. The purpose and function of the school is also unclear, as is the world building - is this a hidden school? Or is magic just normal in this world? I don't know what the battle between good and evil is, who is fighting it, what the stakes are, or what her role is. There's a lot of vague wording that isn't getting the job done. The query needs to establish what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they need to do to overcome the obstacles, and what's at stake if they don't. Right now this isn't doing that work.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m writing to seek your representation for my first novel, Twin Shadows of Fate, a thriller of 85,000 words. This will be the first book in a series of three. You definitely don't want to try to pitch a trilogy as a debut author. If it's possible to make this a stand alone with series potential, go with that. Also, if there's a way to expand on the genre that would be great. What kind of thriller? Political? Psychological? Domestic?

My novel deals with identical twin girls who know nothing about each other. When they finally meet it's at a scene of devastation. One of them has to survive and save the world her way. This is pretty vague, a "scene of devastation" doesn't mean anything to the agent. It could be the Titanic sinking, it could be WW2, it could be a crash crash on the interstate.

Louise is a killer and she’s out for blood.

Brandy is a nurse and she wants to save the world.

Louise has just murdered her parents and is grieving the death of her partner.Why would she kill her parents, whow did her partner die? They were successful international assassins. On their final mission together, they discovered details of a plot funded by ex-Nazis to take over the world. Louise and Brandy had been experimented on as part of that plot. In what way? For what purpose?

Brandy is trying to recover from a horrendous childhood. She’d been brought up by a seemingly mad doctor who’d tried to whip her into submission. But who is she, what does she want, and what does it have to do with the plot?

Louise has to bring the plot to the attention of the world. She knows most of the press and media is ultimately owned by the ex-Nazis so she decides to do it by taking the daughters of some of the wealthiest men in the world as hostages. Being Louise, this also involves mass killings. Why? An assassin is more of a fine instrument, mass killings are a blunt weapon.

Brandy, a medic, goes along What does "goes along" mean? Is she hanging out with Louise now? The beginning says they have no idea that the other exists to help the wounded. The two are guided to each other by a mutual bond which pulls them together, for a final fight to the death to save the world. What kind of mutual bond? Is it paranormal? Again, very vague wording. A final fight to the death with who? And why is the whole world in danger? What about those hostages?

"Twin Shadows of Fate" is a thrilling tale of redemption, resilience, and the indomitable power of kinship. In a world where darkness threatens to engulf all, Louise and Brandy must harness their unique strengths to unveil the truth, expose the villains, and ultimately determine the fate of humanity. While committing mass killings? As they navigate a treacherous path of self-discovery, their journey serves as a reminder that even in the darkest of times, the bond between twins can illuminate the path to salvation.

I’m a sixty-something retiree with a wife, two young children and stories to write.

I studied English Language and English Literature at college and I completed the Open University Start Writing Fiction Course. The only writing competition I have entered was with the Literary Consul in which I received an Honorary Mention.

A query needs to do the following things: establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they need to do to overcome those obstacles, and what the stakes are if they fail. The MC's seem to want to get revenge more than justice, I don't know who the "bad guys" are, what the kidnapping plot has to do with the overall goal, or how that plays out, and how the entire world is in danger if they fail, and what these experiments have to do with anything tied to the Nazi plot. Also, ex-Nazi's make it seem like this isn't set in a contemporary timeline, so that needs to be addressed as well. Right now this is reading as rather chaotic. All of these elements need to be drawn together and the connections clarified.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my CATEGORICALLY FALSE, an upmarket novel with elements of suspense. (105K) Right now you don't really have a genre listed. It's just a "novel" with elements of suspense, which isn't really a genre. And I'm sure it's not a surprise, but that word count isn't doing you any favors. SF/F gets more wiggle room for word count but 105k for suspense is a bit long in the tooth for a debut.

After years of striving, Alexandra and her husband Noah have arrived. She’s semi-famous after publishing a major exposé on sexual misconduct in New York literary circles. He’s super-famous, a Columbia professor whose bestselling book on populist authoritarianism has established him as a celebrated public intellectual. Noah tutors economically disadvantaged kids and donates to the Against Malaria foundation. Alexandra’s friends, with loving mockery, call him Saint Noah. She likes to joke that she won the cis straight male Powerball. Great so far!

When Samantha—a beautiful and brainy Columbia student who can talk Rawls and The Bachelor with equal authority— approaches Alexandra after a journalistic symposium on sexual assault, she happily agrees to chat. The "she" here is a little ambiguous as to which female it's referring to. But the conversation turns dark when Samantha says that, following an initially consensual relationship, she was assaulted by a professor. Alexandra urges her to come forward. Samanatha says she wants to but isn't sure she can.

Who would believe her over the great Noah Ashford?

A shocked Alexandra accuses Samantha of lying and knowing she’s married to Noah. This is getting a little murky, since it's an assumed that S knew A was married to N, since they're a semi-famous couple Samantha insists she only contacted Alexandra because of her reporting background and has no motive to lie. Samantha ultimately goes public and Noah insists her allegations are categorically false. But he’s soon suspended from multiple platforms and Columbia announces an investigation, throwing his tenure in doubt. Noah’s denials are as vehement as Samantha’s accusations and no one, least of all Alexandra, knows who to believe until a seemingly irrefutable piece of evidence emerges, settling the question for good. If only the truth were that simple.

I'd rework this paragraph a bit, the beginning is assumed. I want to see more of the emotional reaction of A to the accusation, not the "she doesn't know who to believe" angle. I also don't think you should tease what the "irrefutable piece of evidence" is, or whose favor it works in.

Told from Alexandra, Samantha, and Noah’s POVs, CATEGORICALLY FALSE is like Yomi Adegoke’s The List if it had been written by Gillian Flynn. It would appeal to fans of unreliable narrators and to those who enjoyed the examination of sex, marriage, and media on Showtime’s The Affair. Great comps

I am a recovering academic and currently work in election forecasting.

Overall I think you're in good shape! That second para needs a little more emotion and detail, and I think you need to consider your genre. Domestic suspense could be a good fit.