The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, THE INVISIBLE WAR, a YA contemporary fantasy complete at 89,275 words. I’d describe it as C.L. Herman’s THE DROWNING SUMMER meets Irish mythology. Based on your interest in young adult fantasy, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. Good work on this. Clear, concise, reasonable word count, you've identified your genre, etc. Typically I like to see people lead with their hook, but this is business-like and professoinal so I say stick with it.

In San Diego, California, a criminal organization known as Harbingers work with demons to commit murders. Eight years ago, Terra Murphy watched them kill her father and brother. That same night, she gained two things: an anxiety disorder, and the ability to turn invisible. I mean - awesome. I'm sold. My only question is what is the purpose of these murders, and why were her father and brother targeted?

No one can tell her where her ability came from. Not the demon hunters who took her in, nor the neighborhood crows that only she seems able to understand. But one night, she meets a boy named Ben who claims Harbingers are not murderers, but people granted magical abilities by death gods after witnessing someone die. They can do everything from heal panic attacks to see the future. And according to Ben, Terra - chosen by the Morrigan, Irish goddess of death - is one of them. Confused - so are the Harbingers behind her family's deaths or not? So she IS a Harbinger, but isn't part of this organizaton? Is it just for Harbingers gone bad? Does everyone who witnesses someone die become a Harbiner, or does there have to be special circumstances? A lot of people witness someone die, honestly, so if that's all it takes being a Harbinger wouldn't be all that special of a thing, and neither would having these abilities.

Eager to find out whether Ben is telling the truth (not to mention meet these people who can supposedly heal panic attacks), Terra accepts Ben’s invitation to join the Harbingers. However, as her friendship with Ben grows, so does her increasing realization that he knows something about the night her family died – something that makes him a hated outcast among his own kind. So he is also a Harbinger? And when Terra’s attempts to uncover Ben’s secret puts his life at risk, she learns that the truth behind her family’s murder is darker than she ever imagined - and that mortals are more dangerous than gods. Confused about why she would join the organization that is behind her family's death, and why her family was targeted. The end here is really vague - secrets, learned truths, danger - that's about all I'm getting here, which can be applied to just about any thriller/suspense novel.

The first chapter of THE INVISIBLE WAR won a Best First Chapter contest held by the League of Utah Writers. As a person living with an anxiety disorder myself, I feel especially equipped to describe the quirks of my mental illness through Terra, which I feel readers with similar mental health struggles will relate to. Really, really great bio. You need to address the questions I posed above, and be more specific with the query in terms of plot. Voice is good, and I like the premise!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When the mysterious dreams did not stop, This isn't a bad hook, but by using the in front of dreams your referencing them as if the reader is already aware of what they are about, which the reader is not. I'd open instead with what the dreams are, and present tense would help with immediacy Anokhi felt compelled to start writing them down. The subject is always the same: an enigmatic woman named Shaila who dances, but never speaks. Shaila’s dancing depicts intricate myths and human emotions. What myths? What emotions? If it's love stories and happiness, that's one thing. If it's Cronus eating his children and rage, that's a totally different thing. A feel for the tone - or if it's a range - woudl be good. Twenty-two notebooks later, Anokhi is no closer to knowing who Shaila is or why she appears in her dreams. But she is not one to give up.

Anokhi was adopted by her loving single mother as a baby from India. Her childhood in rural Idaho is marked by quiet unrest due to her visions of Shaila and a lack of clarity about what she wants to do with her life. Her internal turmoil eventually prompts her to drop out of high school. At eighteen, Anokhi travels to India in search of her biological parents. Her best friend Kale loves her but cannot find the courage to tell her, so she journeys alone.This is all backstory, as is (I think) the opening paragraph, due to the tense. It seems like you're starting the query in the wrong place.

Though initially overwhelmed, Anokhi soon loves India. Through an unexpected new friendship What does this mean?, Anokhi is immersed into the mystical world of Indian mythology and dance, all of which reminds her of Shaila. Anokhi realizes her search for her parents may have a bonus outcome: finally solving the mystery of Shaila that has haunted her for the past twelve years. That's nice, but there's not a lot of plot here. What does Anokhi want? What stands in her way of getting it, and how will she overcome those obstacles? Is the story about her as an 18 y/o and this journey? If so, the entire childhood paragraph needs to go, and the dreams, her adopted past, etc., all needs to be covered in a line or two. What is the actual plot of the present day narrative? Focus on that, everything else is backstory and taking up way too much room in the query.

Shaila’s Dance (50,000 words) Your word count is a little low, but I don't think it will be a problem. is a coming-of-age novel that will appeal to fans of A Long Way Home by Saroo Brierley (later adapted into the major motion picture “Lion”) and The Direction of the Wind by Mansi Shah, as it explores the themes of uncovering one’s past and reconciling cross-cultural identities in the process of self-discovery.

I am a second-generation Indian American woman who grew up in the United States except for two years of grade school in India. I am a practicing general surgeon who has always loved to write. This is my first novel.

Great comp titles and bio. I wouldn't mention it's your first novel, as that's an assumed.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The Happy Side of Misery is an 80,000-word roman a clef. Honestly, I'm a pretty smart person and I know the phrase roman a clef, but had never known what it actually was. I had to Google it. I'm not saying everyone else will, but simplicity is important in a query A cautionary tale, the Happy Side is a dark comedy showcasing the lighter side of mental health, spiritual bankruptcy, personal failure, and the pitfalls of success.

Kevin Ferrell, a wealthy entrepreneur and male model, thinks he’s invincible. But after colliding head-on with a little blue pill, he discovers that having wealth and losing it is far worse than never having had it at all. What does this mean? Is this an addiction issue? as soon as you say little blue pill I think Viagra, so if that's not the case, use a different phrase. If it is the case, you definitely need to clarify how Viagra specificlaly would make him lose his wealth, and (if not Viagra) how any other pill would do the same

The story weaves in and out of reality as the MC—a former psych nurse—attempts to reconcile with nineteen (and counting) psychiatric diagnoses. To him, the list is laughable. And despite the efforts of a psychiatrist, psychologist, and hypnotherapist, Kevin believes the only cure is regaining wealth. What does weaves in and out of reality mean? An unrelaible narrator? Escapes of fancy? Fight Club? I don't know what it means for this story.

The story explores the challenges of a man born poor, struggling to become rich, then forfeiting everything to his inner demons—a man whose only weapon against fate is a sense of humor. So I invite you to come along as the MC—the protagonist and antagonist of his own story—recounts the happy times from his past that led to the miserable times of his present. Again, there's no real indication of the plot here. Why would the pill make him lose his wealth? That needs to be cleared up, but also, a query needs to do convey what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, and how they'll overcome those obstacles. That's the plot. Right now that's not here in this query. Also, if you're pushing this as humorous, the query is going to need more voice that illustrates that.

Appeals to fans of The Wolf of Wall Street and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I am a health and wellness pioneer living in the Tampa Bay area. I work as a freelance editor, writer, and television/film producer. I belong to numerous local book clubs and frequently lecture on what not to do in life. If you have any pub or television credits, you should include those here. Being a member of book clubs isn't necessarily something that will make an agent perk up. For the most part, writers are also assumed to be readers.