The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am currently seeking representation for my novel, SPOONMAN, a speculative psychological horror, complete at 63,000 words.

All journalist Annie Caplan wants is to be done with The Weird Shit. I like this hook!

Ever since that whole deal with the old video game and the people who disappeared after playing it, she’s become a magnet for weird-ass stories that’ve turned her life into a never ending season of The X-Files. Even more intriguing and love the X files shoutout! Taking the staff job at a new culture site, I'm not entirely sure what this means. The first time I read I thought it meant like an archaelogical dig. Needs clarified she had hoped to leave all that behind, but her latest assignment looks like it’s bringing it right back to her door: someone calling themselves ‘Spoonman’ is paying developers to add strange symbols to their software.

Much as Annie would love this to be some dumb prank, her new boss, Gordon Locke, kicks open the door to Weird Shit Territory when he reveals one of those symbols just appeared on his chest the last time he saw his ex-business partner/friend Tom Lanzig – who used to use the screen name Spoonman in their Silicon Valley days. When Locke asks Annie to track him down and find out what the hell’s going on, she’s all set to say “no,” until he offers her a life changing bonus that she can’t turn down. See, Annie has a secret: she has “missing time” and that money could pay for the help she needs to treat the PTSD it’s left her with, so she can start to unravel what the fuck actually happened to her. This feels like it should be mentioned earlier, b/c it's an ongoing state for her, not something that crops up at this point in the narrative.

Somehow, though, Spoonman knows.

In fact, he knows more about Annie than he should, leaving her with no choice but to wade back into The Weird Shit to find out how, and maybe, finally, get those answers that’ve eluded her. But this may be a rabbit hole she can’t crawl back out of: somehow, Spoonman can change reality to suit his own whims, meaning she has no way to tell if what she uncovers about his past, the strangeness around his property portfolio or what part he played in the disappearance of his girlfriend is the truth or just an elaborate fiction he’s weaving to stop her from discovering the real, potentially world ending purpose behind the symbols... This paragraph is getting quite vague and suddenly throwing a lot of plot points in is only muddying the waters.

I’m a writer of horror and speculative fiction based in Northumberland (who's also taken the occasional foray into freelance copywriting and comics). My work - both comics and prose - has appeared in various small press anthologies down the years, and I'm the writer/co-creator of the critically acclaimed graphic novel Babble, the fan-favourite folk horror comic The 13th Stone and the Velicity Jones series, which currently appears in David Lloyd's digital anthology Aces Weekly.Great bio!

Right now this is reading really well, but the PTSD angle and missing time need to be mentioned sooner b/c that's her actual driving force - not just that this is her job, etc. A query needs to answer these questions - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of them getting it? What will they have to do to overcome the obstacles? And what's at risk if they fail? Right now there's a vague possibly world-ending scenario that just gets tacked onto the end. Everything needs to be drawn together a little more tightly, but the concept feels very interesting.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Based on your manuscript wishlist, I believe this novel is the right fit for you. THE TIGER AND THE CRANE is a YA crossover/New Adult high fantasy (110,000) with series potential. Rife with manipulation, forbidden romances, and rich worldbuilding, this novel promises to deliver a fresh tale of the battle between duty, deceit, and friendship. Unfortunately, fantasy is absolutely oversaturated these days, and you've got a high word count. The elements you mention - romance, battle, worldbuilidng - are all things an agent is going to expect to see in a fantasy anyway. I'd get a solid hook, and start with that.

Prince Arvin of Niro learns he will marry Princess Chima of Okala, the first born princess of the most powerful nation on the northern continent—and a total stranger. Definitley need a better hook than this. An arranged marriage in a fantasy doesn't exactly make this story stand out. What do you have to offer that makes this distinct? Arvin wants nothing more than to fulfill his duty to both his people and his mother, who makes it clear that failure is not an option. Still, he flounders in this new world of politics. Why would politics be new to him if he grew up a prince? Niro is in desperate need of Okala’s riches, but Okala is harboring a secret: they’ve discovered another continent and have no intention of creating a fair alliance. Who is they? And why is this continent important? Instead, they plan to use Niro’s resources to explore rich, novel lands and cut Niro out of the profit.By... killing him? Or what? Making this sound like a business deal gone wrong isn't going to be super attractive to an agent Nothing is more important to Chima than Okala’s success, so her new fiance becomes little more than a game piece. Capitalizing on Arvin’s loneliness, she enacts a plan to spy on him with a personal guard disguised as a friend. Chima is sure that her nation will come out on top. The personal guard is with her? Or is with Niro? Are they already married? Why can't she just spy on her himself? Confused.

But when a brutal disease sweeps their nations and destroys everything they hold dear, their positions suddenly reverse, forcing Okala to depend on Niro for survival. Why would it make her depend on him, if both kingdoms have the disease? When Arvin’s personal guard catches his eye and Chima fights to rekindle a forbidden romance, so confused about what you're saying here... Arvin is attracted to the body guard that Chima sent? And Chima is rekindline a romance with... who? the two make an earth-shattering discovery about themselves that could destroy the alliance: they’re both only attracted to their own gender. I don't really know that this would be all that much of a problem. Royalty have had fake marriages since the beginning of time Chima’s religion forbids their union, but without the alliance, Okala will fall. But not Niro? As death creeps closer to home and the bodies mount, political and familial ties are put to the test. Arvin and Chima, now fighting for both themselves and each other, must face the damning truths of their union before it is too late. Right now this is just kind of a hodge podge. There's a new continent, something of a swindle deal, a power struggle, a plague, and forbidden romance. I'm not really seeing how everything ties together or a clear picture of the plot.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking your representation for What Happened to Her, an upmarket feminist thriller that will appeal to fans of My Dark Vanessa and Bright Young Women. I feel my book would be a good fit for your agency because many of the items mentioned in your manuscript wishlist are key elements in my book, particularly the emphasis on flawed protagonists and female rage. What Happened to Her also has a strong social justice angle, which I noticed appealed to you. This is great! You identify you genre and comp titles as well as signifying that you are approaching this specific agent for a reason and have done your research.

In a world obsessed with dead girls, a haunted woman uncovers a beloved public figure’s trail of victims and must decide whether she will become another cautionary tale or take matters into her own outraged hands. What world is this? Like our actual world? Do you mean like true crime fixation? I'm not sure what your hook is trying to get across. What would it mean to become a cautionary tale? Is she in danger from the killer?

Two years ago, Nadine Dalton had the world word echo here with "world" at her feet. Weaponizing her grief after her sister’s school shooting death into firebrand activism, Nadine was a rising star and media darling. But just as rapidly as she rose, she fell from favor and is now living a hermit-like life as a reviled has-been. Why did she fall from favor? Feels important. She spends her days thinking about “dead girls” such as Laura Palmer, JonBenet Ramsey, and Marilyn Monroe—a hobby which both consumes and disgusts her. The first is fictional, the second two are real. Just wondering if there's a reason to include a fictional dead girl After beginning an internship with a nationally beloved front runner for governor, who inexplicably is fond of her despite public opinion,The way this reads is that the public believes the governor is not fond of her. Needs rephrased. Nadine feels rejuvenated. This, however, proves to be a deception, and Nadine spirals again. Is this a romantic connection? Or just something she was hoping for career-wise? When she discovers a link between her boss and a dead former intern, she realizes the scope of his abuse is larger and more sinister than she ever imagined. Nadine embarks on a treacherous investigation that uncovers a trail of manipulation, lies, and the ghosts of other forgotten girls. Descending into a dangerous rage as she is thwarted at every turn, Nadine feels her restraint slipping away and will stop at nothing to find justice and give voice to the voiceless. This is the first mention of her rage, so idk how it fits into the plot. Is she going to go after him herself? Vigilante justice?

I have been writing my entire life and cannot remember a time when I wasn’t either actively working on or daydreaming about a new story. I won a writing scholarship in college and have had my work showcased in regional publications. As a young woman who grew up in a world of mounting hate, I wanted to write a story exploring this turmoil, but also the determined resistance borne from it. Good bio, I like it.

Overall I think we need to see a little more plotwise here - what does Nadine want? What stands in her way of getting it? What will she do to overcome the obstacles, and what is at stake if she fails? Those are the biggest things to make sure are in a query, and right now They aren't all totally apparent.